What Winners Do

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I have a hard time keeping myself balanced. What does that even mean right? Well to me it means not going off like gangbusters (I can’t believe I just used the term gangbusters… when did I start talking like my grandmother?) in one direction leaving other parts of myself to rust up and die. A little over-dramatic? Maybe.

There was a time when my only goal in recovery was getting through the day without using. Happily, through time and a lot of work, I have built up skills that allow me to get through most days without ever thinking about my drug of choice.

Great. But what about all the other things that I’ve tried working on throughout my recovery. Why do I go balls out, start seeing results, then get kind of bored and let it fall to the wayside?

I feel like this is still me doing everything to excess, choking the life out of things and then leaving them to die. How can I keep myself balanced in addiction recovery? Read the rest of this entry »

Every so often I feel myself coming undone. Not in a severe way where I am contemplating using again, but in a more subtle way like my edges are just starting to unravel.

I guess my fear of going back to my old ways keeps me on the look out for these littlest changes in myself. More times than not, when I notice this “undone” feeling I eventually come to the conclusion that my day to day routines have been disrupted in some way. I guess sometimes I just forget the importance of a routine. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve talked before about my need for a routine. It seems that when I let my routine slide a little… I fall apart.

This past week my husband was on vacation and we really had a great time going on day trips here and there. All of this fun had me away from my house and more importantly away from my routine. Excellent right? Then why is it that I feel like I’ve come undone? Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Fourth of July to everyone. I hope you have fun gathering with friends and family to celebrate our countries independence. Maybe catch a parade, have a cookout and wrap the day up with some fireworks. What could be better than that?

Last year’s Fourth of July was a pretty difficult time for me. Being 6 months into my recovery, I was still filled with a lot of uncontrollable emotions that had been ignored for so long. I kind of had an emotionally draining day which left me looking for something… anything to make it stop. I guess that’s why I popped a pill. Read the rest of this entry »

Back in the old days I would take on a commitment of some sort whether it be with school, work or social and then I would no doubt fall short of what I commited to do because I would talk myself out of it.

Maybe it was going to interfere with me being messed up. Maybe it  was because I got messed up the night before and couldn’t drag my lazy ass out of bed. There were many reasons that all had the same conclusion… I never finished anything I started.

This is why still now, a year and a half into my recovery, I am pleasantly surprised when I actually finish something I started. Let me tell you about my latest start to finish. Read the rest of this entry »

My absolute favorite comedian, George Carlin, passed away yesterday at the age of 71. I just wanted to acknowledge his passing and say that he will be missed.

George was a brilliant comedian with a passion for language that shined through in his act. For those that didn’t pay close attention to him, they may have thought of him as just a filthy minded comedian who used vulgar language for shock value. They would be wrong.

George Carlin had such an honest view of human beings (including himself) that everything he said resonated with his viewers. He knew exactly how to use human language to convey his ideas to us perfectly.

To quote the great George Carlin from his 1984 Carlin on Campus HBO special:

“Rat shit

Bat shit

Dirty old twat

69 assholes tied in a knot

Hoooooray

Lizard shit

Fuck!”

It seems that George Carlin was battling with recovery for most of his adult life. You would hear the announcement here and there that he had entered into rehab for this or for that. The most recent being a prescription pill addiction.

I guess that’s just another reason why I felt so connected to this guy. He knew real life and wasn’t afraid to talk about it openly, honestly, and in a funny way.

I really am saddened by his passing.

I think that although I appear to be very easy going I am actually much harder on myself than what is needed. I feel that every so often I lose sight of the fact that to have imperfections is to be human.

Sure, I can tell you that you should ease up on yourself because after all… you’re just a person and as we all know, no one is perfect. So why is it that when I see myself slip up here and there (not in my sobriety.. just everyday kind of things) that I right away jump to the fact that I must be backsliding into my old ways?

Why am I not easier and more understanding with myself? Read the rest of this entry »

So I have accepted the fact that we will never truly understand what life is all about. But does that mean that I will never understand my own life’s purpose?

I don’t believe that. I feel like all of your life is building up to something and when it all comes together… you find your life’s purpose.

But what do you do until then? What do you do with the question: “what am I doing here?”

Read the rest of this entry »

So it has been 1 year, 5 months and some change since I entered into addiction recovery. I have overcome a lot of my bad behaviors and addictive thinking patterns but there is one huge behavior that I am having trouble shaking… isolating.

We all know that active addiction and isolation are old chums and that they fit together so well. One directly feeds off of the other and eventually take over your whole being leaving you with… addiction and isolation.

Well I guess I am living proof that just because you take away one, it doesn’t mean that the other will follow. It seems that isolation will hang out until you actively push it out of your life. So how do you go about avoiding isolation in addiction recovery? Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve all seen the poster of the kitty hanging off the tree limb with the caption “Hang In There Baby”. But who would have thought that this little blurb could be the foundation of a healthy spiritual life?

We all have both highs and lows as our life sort of ebbs and flows through time. I guess what I’m realizing is that I need to make the most  out of the highs in life so that when the lows come I am better prepared to hang in there. Read the rest of this entry »